A Wall Too High

Another year has come upon this world, and into everyone’s life, with promises of new beginnings, truthfulness, faithfulness, sincerity, diligence, and many such resolutions that the arrival of a new year inspires in every heart. Yet, although it is a satisfying feeling to make a firm resolve, it takes more than enthusiasm to actually implement a resolution in one’s life so as to make the difference that one expects. It is in the course of this journey to scale greater heights of improvement that one realizes how the simplest things can actually be the hardest to achieve.

To moot the case in point, I can cite no better example than mine in striving for better things in 2010; a sequel to a resolution that I had taken at the start of that year. I had been persuaded that being good is good for me, and doing oneself good is the hardest thing in the world. It was a challenge I accepted with disdain, and in one heady moment of determination and gusto I resolved that I was going to be a Good Man in 2010. Not that I considered myself “bad”, or did anybody else for that matter; rather, I was already the “good man” to the common perception. I was kind to people, generous by nature, very polite to strangers and guests, conscientiously dutiful towards family, friends, society and country, a lover of animals, a non-smoker, a vegetarian, a staunch believer in hygiene and cleanliness, honest to the core, and even God-fearing. One would think that the gap between being a Good Man and the man that I was at the end of 2009 should not have been too difficult to traverse. Yet, at the end of 2010, after constant introspection and a concerted effort to achieve that elusive state that is goodness, which demands of me to shed certain flaws in my character which seem to be so deeply embedded in my mental constitution, I am starting to believe that my resolution will have to be carried forward through many more new years before I see any semblance of success. The task of shedding certain qualities and acquiring others, which seemed so simple at first, is proving to be insurmountable at present. Some of the prominent crags in the mountain of my difficulties are as follows:

Anger: How can I control my anger when somebody shouts at me, insults me or disregards me? Why the irritation when somebody breaks a queue or a car doesn’t give way?
Jealousy: The very Devil. I am still searching for ways to feel good when someone gets something that I think is “rightfully” mine, or when somebody praises my friend for something which I have done
Temptation: Is it possible to be free of desire? I do not think this birth will see me achieve that
Selfishness: I can speak volumes about charity and chivarlry, but is it all right to excuse myself from a charity event because I have “important” things to attend to? Sounds good, doesn’t it, but it is not; and there is nothing I have been able do about it so far
Ego: Why is it that I feel good and exalted when everybody concurs with my view, and dejected when somebody ignores me? Why am I modest when somebody praises me, but defensive when another is critical of me? Why do I try to hide my mistakes, and highlight my achievements, however unobtrusive or tacit may the manner be of doing so? I have made very little headway on this front
Gossiping: Why does it give me pleasure in acting the Supreme Judge, the moral policeman, when talking about others. Joining in the general fun of being disparaging to another seems normal to me. Why does it feel like I am having a good time when somebody has fallen on bad times? I hope to conquer this evil trait of mine this year
Moral corruption: Why do I justify a small bribe to appease the other guy and make life easy for me? Is it okay for me to throw a chocolate wrapper on the street because the place is already full of litter? Should I jump the red signal just because I cannot stand the car behind me honking like mad? Sounds like poor little me against a big, bad world. I will fight, yet.

All resolutions feel better in the saying than in the doing, and bear no fruit in the absence of determination and hard work, which has been a lesson I have learnt, in my pursuit of goodness. I have never quailed in the face of a challenge, and this I treat as no other. I hope to end 2011 with more trash out of the bin than I have been able to discard in the past year. It will take a bit of doing, no doubt.


Anonymous said... [Reply]

you make me hooked to your blog by the theme u use while writing a post...nevertheless the headline of the topics creates some curiosity in me...which leads me reading the whole article

Anonymous said... [Reply]

coming to the srti...its superb....

Enchanta said... [Reply]

Self realization very well portrayed!
I was hooked to this post !

Blogxter said... [Reply]

Hi Enchanta,
Thanks a lot for the appreciation. I really value it. Do keep coming


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